Sigh. Friends...it can be such an amazing gift, and so painful at the same time. Kind of like I talked about before, with risk.
This year has been difficult in that regard. When we moved here I made many friends rather quickly (this is only going to pertain to our youth group, though I do know a few people outside it). Most of them remain true and great. Others I soon found weren’t always trustworthy or the best people to be talking to regularly or hanging out with. This was really hard, as was discovering that gossip and rumors could get pretty wild. I don’t believe talking about people (negatively or uncertainly) behind their backs is right, nor do I think most things are everyone’s business. So-called “news” spreads like lightening, and it can hurt people. I saw it a few times and then this fall felt it, when someone accused me of saying they’d said something about so and so (don’t ask, it was a mess and completely untrue on all sides imaginable). It hurt, not only that people would say I’d done something like that, but that people would believe it...and then be hesitant to realise how false it was. It was cleared up, thankfully. You still see a lot of it though...also in lack of communication, and with jealousy, and with disrespect for the leaders. That’s a whole other topic though.
Back to friends. At the end of the summer I got a lot closer to two people whom I never really talked to much before (one of the reasons for that is actually pretty funny). For awhile it was great, and they are cool, fun people. We disagree on a lot of key issues though, and although it’s never turned into conflict, it makes it hard – and I feel that I do need to challenge them in some ways but don’t know how. The friendships have not been negatively influential but have not been very edifying either, except that they make me think through things. Also in both cases it has been frustrating, not knowing where we stand, or how close we really are, since it feels like I’m always the one calling or following around, which isn’t good for either of us. That’s not friendship, though it appears to be when we actually get together. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s just how they are? But I’m tired of it, and also do not need to be depending on them.
It can be hurtful though, like right now when these two people have suddenly become really good friends...and now very rarely talk to me. It confuses and frustrates. Also (in all kindness), I don’t think they’ll be a very good influence on each other.
I had a good, long talk with Ashley about this, and she encouraged me to make my priorities (time and energy and care) into the friendships that are really going to last and in which we can build each other up and encourage and challenge each other. I need to let go of anything different than that. Not because I want to lose the friendships, because I don’t, they’ll still be my friends. But I need to let God take care of it and not hold on so tightly. I know they won’t be the ones that matter in the long run.
There have always been people who are always there – Sara and Katie in the states, so faithful and amazing in every aspect, and lovely godly girls. And here, Hannah and Cathy are such wonderful people to talk to! The kind that you can’t have a conversation with unless you talk about something deep. Ashley is also amazing. There are others that I know are there and always care as well. I am very thankful for all of these (and more of you) and hope to invest more of my love and time in them, as well as trying to reach out more to younger girls and new people.
In Bible right now (for school, not in my devotions, though that’s good too) I’m learning about suffering...suffering and pain and the sovereignty of God. I just read a booklet called “Behind a Frowning Providence.” It’s based on the hymn that says “Behind a frowning providence/He hides a smiling face.” The song also says “God is His own interpreter and he will make it plain.” Those lines are so encouraging! Kind of on the same topic (I’ll connect them in a moment) there’s a part in “In Christ Alone” that Cathy and I were talking about last night where it says “What heights of love, what depths of peace/When fears are stilled, when strivings cease.”
Now, where I’m going with this. I’ve said before that learning about trust was like the story of my year last year. Well, it’s not hard to see that that’s going to actually be the story of our lives. There’s always more to trust with, always more to learn. I just never guessed so much could be thrown at you at once – and I don’t even have it bad when you think about it. What I’ve been seeing, through my own life and through these readings and just thinking and everything, is that we need to find the purpose in it (not to undermine it, but still). And we might not find it, but it’s still there...how everything works together for good, how we can come so much closer to God when going through hard times (because he’s all there is to hold on to), what we’re going to learn and get out of this suffering (or whatever you want to call it), and how these are the things that build character. I definitely want character, and am guessing you do too. And not just character...one based on Christ...which is based on suffering. If that’s how it is, so be it. I don’t want to chase it, but I want to grab every opportunity to learn from it.
God knows what he’s doing, and it is loving and it is good.
Also, it’s so much better to let go!! As I mentioned with the friends, and with other issues in my life, there is such great peace when you let go of things or stop fighting for them and clinging to them. It might not be that God doesn’t want it for you, it may be he’s just got a different way of doing it...or wants to teach something before you can have it. But it’s so, so true, whether it has to do with something you want, something that’s hurting you, or something you shouldn’t have. If it’s something you shouldn’t have (and hence, there is guilt) it’s usually pretty apparent in your heart. I can’t stand that. Most people can’t. I think there will always be times when I want to hold on to things, but in cases like that, I don’t last long – and it brings much greater peace. That makes it easier to know what God really does want for you. This is just me personally but it may go for all you lovelies too.
Ok, got all of that off my head. Thanks for reading, if you did. If you think of it, I could definitely use prayer for wisdom and grace in this friendship situation...also for the youth group as a whole. We need so much more unity and communication and love. Also for trust, for me...and for you too! You’re all in my prayers.
Internet’s still busted but I’m writing this from offline. A good friend’s dad is flying in tonight to visit my dad and will be here over the next two weekends (in time to help with our desert youth campouts!). I so wish his daughter was coming though! My awesome friend Aubreyful whom I love muchly and is the only person I know who is as Eisley-obsessed as I am. She was the first person I got into them and we used to sit listening to them for hours, each with one of my iPod earbuds, and sharing new EPs. Now we watch eerie art movies together whenever I visit her in the states. Hooray for MirrorMask, Labyrinth, and The Village!
Ooh, fun stuff – my well group is doing a service project and we’ve decided to raise money for Surge-June and for a church that’s being built in Pakistan. Some of us knit and sew, and some of us make jewelry, and some of us make candles, and some of us draw, and some of us do several of those things. We’re hoping to have a booth at church like they did for the Surge bake sales last year. I’m supposed to do drawings for Easter cards to have made (cause cards are expensive here) and maybe a few more drawings for prints. I’ve already done the Easter drawings but am not sure if I’m happy with all of them. Hopefully they will do well but that all depends completely on what people think of the abstract-ish style, though they’re supposed to be pretty too. Maybe I just have weird taste; we’ll see. Oh, we’ll also have a well sleepover, for fun and to make stuff for the sale.
I should go...but I’m bored...plus I’m drinking tea with caffeine in it so can’t go to bed. If it’s possible to drink too much tea, that’s definitely me. Also I have way too much coffee whenever I go out.
Today we went to get abayas made with some local friends so I don’t have to borrow one anymore. It was fun. Mine is gorgeous. It’s plain black with the fitted sleeves that they wear here, and has tiny black sparkly beads going in flowers up the sleeves. I love sparkly things. Anyway, was fun, and we had cake afterwards. The abayas are for a wedding, which we’re not actually sure if we’re going to as it’s in Abu Dhabi, and the same day as the potential well sleepover.
I must get back into running. Is it hard to believe? Yes, I, Cait, run. Three times a week at least. The past few weeks with all the busy-ness and visitors I didn’t get to much and now I don’t last as long, so need to work on that.
Desert campouts coming up, beware of blue dye boys. Shh.
Kind of unoriginal as we did it last year but only got like three people. Plus as far as I know (which isn’t really at all), the guys have no plans this year. Happy!
Ok, going to read some of my awesome book by David Crowder and go to bed.
miss you guys
love,
Cait
yikes this is long.
Edit - now after youth on Thursday. The message was really good.
I'm less confused and more upset now, but at least it's becoming clearer - not why, just that it is. That make any sense? It doesn't really matter as you don't know who and I wouldn't say. But it's a big struggle to keep remembering this isn't what matters or what apparently God wants for me. These friendships are hard to let go of (and again, not that we can't be friends, just...yea) for a lot of complicated reasons that could make other situations harder, which is another thing I need to trust with.
I don't want to add to this already novel of a post, so good night =)
